Ceci n’est pas une Weekend Roundup
Hey, we’re back! Didja miss us? You did realize, didn’t you, that we didn’t do a Weekend Roundup last weekend… didn’t you? See, because it was Memorial Day and we were out of town it and it was just so crazy and… oh, who am I kidding? You didn’t notice at all, did you? And for that matter, you didn’t even care, did you? It’s okay. You can admit it. Go ahead… admit that this blog is nothing more than a momentary diversion for you, a way to kill 10 minutes a week. You basically only read it because you know us and you’re afraid will ask (in a desperate, needy tone), “Hey, did you guys read our blog post?” And you don’t want to have to lie to us, not to our face, so you read it out of no more than guilty obligation. Fine. We can live with that. At least you’re reading it.
But what about the rest of you… the ones that aren’t reading it at all? I save my strongest condemnation for you! I point my figure straight in your face that is not here and I say, “Guilty! Shame on you, sir! You are less than human!” And I can do this because you aren’t here to defend yourself. That’s because you’re not reading this. And if you’re all mad because you think I’m talking about you, well, that can’t be the case because you’re reading this post and therefore by definition cannot be the person I’m talking to. It’s that other guy, over there. Yeah, him. Next time you get a chance, knee him in the groin. He’s got it coming anyway, and it will be a welcome comic diversion from the banality of your everyday life. Hmmm… maybe I should knee more people in the groin. Sure, they will ultimately turn around and murder me where I stand, but the laughter generated right up to the moment of my death will surely make it all worthwhile.
Because ultimately, isn’t that what it’s all about? Laughter and pain, and how the two of them work together, hand-in-hand, day after day, to create this thing we call life? No, of course not. It’s about getting up and going to work at a job you hate, every day for the rest of your life and then you die. Wait, maybe it’s not that either. Maybe it’s about spending time with friends and family? Dear lord, I hope that’s what it’s all about, because we had that out the yin-yang this weekend. Every time I turned around, the doorbell was ringing and some friend or family member (the two categories are mutually exclusive) was standing at the door, expecting to be fed and watered like some common barnyard animal.
Friday night, it was standard houseguest Tom, who was celebrating his birthday and was bringing along his brother Joe, who was visiting from St. Louis. I guess for Tom’s birthday? That sounds right. I can’t think of any other reason why he would come to visit this godforsaken city with its ruined, postapocalyptic landscape and its braindead, zombie-like inhabitants. Wait, I was thinking of Omaha. KC is okay, I guess. So anyway, they came over for a fabulous, me-cooked meal of
- grilled pork loin
- sweet corn on the cob
- homemade mac-n-cheese
- bread
- a cookie cake
- ice cream
- gray matter
Note: I did not cook the last four items. Also, the last item was just in our heads. We did not eat it.
So then that brings us to Saturday night. Saturday was a miserable day for yours truly. I mean, most days are pretty miserable anyway because I am forced to live out those days as Price Horn, and who wouldn’t be miserable in that situation? But Saturday was particularly miserable because my allergies were killing me. See, I typically have one day a year in which my allergies just go nuts and attack my body from within. No amount of medicine will help. I spend the day sneezing and blowing my nose and acting like a giant (well, considering I’m a pretty small fella, not-so-giant) snot factory. Saturday was that day. So did I lie around all day, feeling sorry myself, with Kleenex® stuffed up my nose? Well, I did spend the day feeling sorry for myself, and more than once I did end up with Kleenex shoved up my schnozz, but I didn’t lie around except for just a little while in the afternoon, but hey, I was tired and everyone else was lying down too and why don’t you get off my back about it, you big bully?
Anyway, what I was saying was, we spent much of the day running important errands, such as returning junk to Target and going to the comic book store and buying a screen-door closer thingy from Home Depot. Important, vital errands. Also we ate at IHOP. That’s kind of important, right? Most important meal of the day and all that? And also we took the kids to the pool. (Note: we did not just drop them off.) And nothing is more important than having the kids spend time out in the sun, splashing around with their fellows in heavily chlorinated water as their mucus-generating father looks on in amusement, shading his eyes with one hand and blowing his nose with the other.
But I digress.
So… Saturday night’s dinner guests were our friends Jimmy and Joy and their enormous brood of kids. Well, really there’s just four kids, but that’s twice as many as we have, so it (the brood) qualifies as enormous in comparison. I guess. Anyway, it was another me-cooked meal of
- beer bratwurst
- hot dog
- assorted toppings of the kinds of things you put on those sausage-based treats, such as sauerkraut which was enjoyed by all of two people including me
- other stuff that I just bought at the store instead of cooking, such as a bacon-ranch potato salad that was four kinds of awesome
- lemon bars/raspberry chocolate bars that Shannon made but since we are one in the eyes of the Lord I guess you could say I made them too, so hooray for me
The meal was accompanied by a chorus of sneezes, provided by me.
And so we find ourselves approaching the Sunday evening dinner, when we will be visited by the Crows and their tiny brood (same number of kids, but the kids are tiny so again, it is a matter of comparison). This time, Jessie will be making dinner for us and bringing it to our house, a development of which I am totally a fan. But what will it be? I could save this post and then come back later and tell you all about it, but odds are I won’t be in the mood, so don’t count on it. So let’s just guess what that dinner will include:
- meat
- starch
- vegetables
- dessert
- beer (only for the men, as the ladies drink only wine and it is illegal for the kids to drink the beer so we’ll just have to be discreet about it)
I’ll bet I’m pretty close. Okay, so that’s it. I’m done typing now. Will I decide to write a Weekend Roundup next week? Maybe. Only way to find out will be to visit again next weekend. And let’s be honest… what are the odds of that happening? About as good as the odds of me writing something worth reading. So… not looking good.
Go away!
Sometimes you just gotta walk around downtown in your underwear
An empty pair of pants, lying on the sidewalk in downtown Kansas City, just outside the old Fed building.
The Weekend Roundup is comin’ out, so you better get this party started
The weekend ended as I always expected it might: with my wife leaving home with another man.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The weekend began as it always does, with our friend Tom falling asleep while we watch TV. The only difference is that Shannon wasn’t also falling asleep. That’s because she wasn’t there… she was, instead, at work. On a Friday night? Yes, indeed she was, working a wedding at the church. So with Shannon gone, Tom and I decided to watch something that she wouldn’t care to watch in a million years: the season finale of Smallville. I knew Tom was going be touch-and-go… he was already nodding off before he even sat down in front of the TV. Nonetheless, he assured me that he would make it.
Less than a minute into the “Previously, on Smallville…” prologue, and he was already sawing logs. Pfft. I watched the show anyway, turning up the volume so I could hear the dialogue over his snores.
Eventually, Shannon did show up. Tom went home (to sleep, natch), and Shannon and I watched the season finale of The Office before finally heading to bed. Yes, it’s that time of year when all the shows are wrapping up their seasons, and I for one couldn’t be happier about it. All the free time we’ll have now that we don’t have to watch these TV shows! So many hours waiting to be filled with summer activity! I know what you’re thinking: no one is forcing us to watch these shows. Oh, but there’s where you’re wrong, friend. The shows are so entertaining that I would be doing myself—nay, society—a disservice by failing to watch them.
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Saturday morning, full of a fabulous and simple bacon-and-eggs-and-toast breakfast, we were itching to get out of the house and enjoy the cool, sunny day. Shannon dragged us over to a conservation area/nature center in Liberty… the Martha Lafite something-or-other? Needless to say, the kids and I were a bit… skeptical, but it ended up being a nice hike in a nice setting on a nice day. So, basically, it was nice.
Some pics:
I was in a drama at church that evening (and, of course, on Sunday as well)… a drama that once again required me to dress all business-like with the tie and itchy slacks and squeaky shoes. We don’t do dramas as much as we used to, but when we do I always seem to be cast as some professional-type who has to wear a tie. And, because I never have to dress that way, I only have one suit: the wedding/funeral/job interview suit. Thus, every time I’m on stage at church I seem to be wearing the exact same clothing. That fact is neither here nor there, but I’m just saying.
And so it is we come to Sunday. We knew that the Night at the Museum sequel was coming up later in the week and would be bumping Star Trek out of its coveted space on the IMAX screen at our local multiplex, so we hurried over after church to watch it on the really big screen. It was pretty spectacular, I have to say… the sound, in particular, was heart-stoppingly powerful. Fabulous movie in a fabulous setting, and it was just as good the second time as it was the first. Totally worth spending the money again.
Have you seen it yet? Well, you need to. Go ahead, I’ll wait right here while you go. It’s fine. I’ll just amuse myself by typing the rest of this Weekend Roundup. Go! Trust me, you won’t miss anything.
After the movie, it was time for my wife to leave me, to hop in the car with another man and drive away from the house as the kids and I tearfully looked on. That’s because Shannon was headed to St. Louis for what we are hoping and praying is her final surgery. I won’t go into the nitty-gritty of what it’s for. I’m not gonna get all graphic with you and all that, but if everything goes to plan this will be the last work she’s going to have done.
And the other man? Tom, who was headed to St. Louis at the same time to visit his mother, who is also having a procedure performed this week.
And so, the kids and I are home alone. I’m living the life of the single parent as Shannon whoops it up over in St. Louis, livin’ the life! She gets to lie around in a hospital bed all day, with nurses doting all over at all hours, giving her whatever she wants! Must be nice, is all I’m saying. Must… be… nice.
You, too, can view the Zoo Crew
Alas, Maya’s days of preschool are ending, and as the school prepares to send the kiddies off to kindergarten, they decided to go out with a bang by letting the kids get close to dangerous wild animals. That’s right… a trip to the zoo. Dozens of five-year-olds running amok, their parents chasing deperately after them, the atmosphere redolent with the pungent odors of musk and feces. Let’s take a little photographic trip through the day, shall we?
A Weekend Roundup only a mother could love
And why is it a Weekend Roundup only a mother could love? Because it is just like a child: short and useless.
HA! I kid. Except it is going to be short. It’s Mother’s Day, you see, and I gotta spend it with my wife. That’s right, I have to somehow make up for 364 days of neglect and indifference and cram a year’s worth and affection and respect into one marathon 24-hour period. Oh, and I also have to convince the kids to do the same.
Good luck with that!
Okay, I did some good stuff for the wife. I took her to breakfast yesterday at Kate’s Kitchen. I made her her favorite meal, homemade slow-cooked pot roast. I gave her some gift cards to her favorite stores. And best of all… I took her to go see the new Star Trek movie.
And oh, sister, how awesome it was. I loved it. It was everything I hoped for and more. Action-packed, funny, respectful of continuity but not afraid to do something new. See it. You won’t be disappointed. And if you are, I hate you and everything you stand for.