Ye Olde Weekende Rounduppe
Lo, ’twas a busy weekend among the Horns: birthday parties, yard and house work aplenty, dinners out with friends and loved ones, church, the whole lot. But the highlight of the weekend had to be the drive out to Bonner Springs, Kansas, for this…
The Kansas City Renaissance Festival, a yearly tradition that we have never attended, despite the fact that we’ve lived here for over a decade. Frankly, it always seemed kind of lame. I mean, people gallivanting around, dressed up in fanciful costumes? Who would pay to attend something like that? And the commercials that air on local TV just make it look like a cheesefest populated by community theatre rejects. Still, we scored free tickets, so what the heck.
And I have to say… I was wrong. It was actually really cool. I can’t believe how cool and how entertaining it was. And how huge! We were there for like four hours and there were immense swathes of the grounds we never even had a chance to see. The kids had fun, we had fun. So how about some photos, forsooth?
Aboard the Dragon Swing, which, like all the rides at the RenFest, was completely powered not by gas or electricity, but by the muscles of strapping, shirtless young Midwestern farmboys (counterprogramming for the corset-enhanced cleavage that was in abundance at this place).
A terrifyingly intelligent raven. You could look him in the eye and you could tell he was plotting murder. Yours.
We ran into our friends Candi and Dave, who were dressed for the occasion.
We bought Maya and Steven some little wooden swords, which they brandished proudly all weekend.
They later posed before the Black Knight, just before inflicting a flesh wound upon his person.
Maya was offered a trinket by a wandering busty gypsy woman. (Why do all these Renaissance types have cleavage all the way up to their necks?)
Hey, check it out! A parade! Of sorts!
And these dudes’ mutated DNA must have given them freakishly long legs. There’s simply no other explanation available to modern science.
While the nobility of the Renaissance suffered many hardships, famine was apparently not one of them.
What do you mean, that was cruel? Oh yeah, I suppose you’re gonna send some scary dude after me. Whatever.
Oh. I see. I’ll just keep the jokes to myself, then, milady.
Later, Shannon and the kids rode an elephant.
Um… a Renaissance elephant, I guess?
You can’t attend one of these festivals without sticking your head through a hole in some humorous photo-op background, so here you go.
And perhaps the most disturbing…
Well, that’s it for the photos. I threw together a few video highlights for your limited enjoyment.
As we headed to Ye Parking Lotte to search for our magical horseless conveyance, we vowed to attend the RenFest again next year, though we wouldst probably not choose to don leather and velvet in 85-degree Kansas heat.
And so endeth our tale. Huzzah!
Another one bites the dust
Another tooth, that is.
At this rate, she’ll need dentures before Halloween.
Que sera, sera… Whatever the Weekend Roundup will be, will be
I think that every moment that we live is moment that can teach us something. Each second that passes is full of the tiniest of truths that will pass us by if we don’t stop and grasp them. Maybe, if we open our eyes and let these profound little truths sink in, we can be better tomorrow than we are today. Maybe we can learn something deep about ourselves, something true about our loved ones, something meaningful about the way the world works.
Friday night, I learned that I can be a real jackass.
Now this is a fact that those around me have known for some time, but for whatever reason decided to keep to themselves. Nonetheless, it is true. When I am tired and cranky and have had a long week at work, and when things are not going exactly the way I thought they were going to go, I turn into King Jackass.
Here’s the deal, in short. Friday night, we were supposed to be watching Adri overnight.
Adri’s the two-year-old son of some friends of ours who were attending an overnight church function. No big deal, I thought. It’s been a while since we’ve had a two-year-old in the house overnight, but we’ll figure it all out. So I was all ready to do this babysitting thing. Just us, the kids, and Adri, hanging out, relaxing after a trying week.
Or so I thought. Turns out that wasn’t the plan at all. I came home from work to find not one, but three kids at my house under the age of two, plus my two kids, plus two of Steven’s friends who were over playing the Wii. What the–? Turns out that we were not only watching Adri, but also the Crows’ kids as well, while the Crow Adult-Types went to a movie. The Grown Crows would be joining us later to eat dinner and take their kids home. (To their credit, Steven’s friends left not long after I got home.)
Here’s the thing… ordinarily I wouldn’t have minded doing any of this stuff, it’s just that I had no idea that I was going to be doing it. Maybe it was a miscommunication between Shannon and me, maybe I was told and then forgot, maybe I was accidentally ported into a parallel universe where my Friday night plans were different at the quantum level.
Whatever the reason, the situation threw me off enough that I was Grand Poo-Bah Jackass all night. I mumbled snide comments under my breath and then yelled them at the top of my lungs. I angrily stabbed at pieces of meat with my fork. I was short with my wife and my kids and our friends and their kids. Sure, a cold bottle of Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat managed to sand off a few of my pointy edges, but for the most part I still stormed around with furrowed brow all night, forcing a smile on the outside when I could, but inside throwing a temper tantrum like a spoiled child.
In true Supreme Emperor Jackass fashion, I never did apologize to everyone (or, for that matter, to anyone). Maybe they didn’t notice, although I don’t see how they could have avoided the conclusion that yes, Price Is A Real Jackass™ (I’ll be taking t-shirt orders soon). I will apologize in person. Eventually. Until then, I hope that this ill-conceived, self-deprecatory Weekend Roundup post will suffice.
As a not-too-successful way to make amends, I resolved to lighten things up for the rest of the weekend and be on my best behavior. That night, we inflated camping mattresses and covered the living room floor with makeshift sleeping surfaces.
Adri slept all night without a whimper, which is more than I can say for myself. Still, the kids all had a good time with the Crazy Living Room Campout, and I didn’t even complain that I slept like crap all night. That, along with the homemade pancakes-and-eggs-and-bacon breakfast I whipped up for everyone, had to help the karma along a little bit.
When I took Elly to the vet Saturday morning for her yearly shots (rabies, distemper, kennel cough, typhus, Ebola, mad cow, jungle rot, and chronic canine hemorrhoidal irritation disorder) and I got the $200 bill, I didn’t even swear! Out loud.
Eventually we found our way over to the Zona Rosa Prefabricated Urban Shopping Experience, where we amused ourselves by wandering around aimlessly and taking photos of the kids looking bored.
Adri’s parents met us there and picked him up to take him home, where the Mean Old Jackass wouldn’t scowl at him anymore.
Apparently, the kiddies burned right through that giant breakfast, because when they realized that 1) we were parked next door to Swagat, our favorite Indian restaurant, and 2) the place had an all-you-can-eat lunch buffet, they started howling for tandoori chicken and warm nan bread.
And so it was that we gave in and stuffed ourselves sick at lunch on Saturday.
But oh, it was so good. Steven ate about nine plates of a lamb curry dish, and Shannon and I personally plowed through four steam trays of chicken tikka masala (possibly an exaggeration). Sated (and then some), we waddled back home so that Shannon could head to work and so that the rest of us could sleep off the effects of the fine cuisine of the subcontinent.
The rest of the day was suitably low-key, with few opportunities for me to become enraged and flip off widows and orphans. The kids and I went swimming at the community center’s indoor pool and thus stank of chlorine the rest of the night. After the kids went to bed, I started watching Children of Men, that Clive Owen dystopia that got so many good notices a few years and that I had never had a chance to see. Shannon had not intended to watch it, but she saw the first few minutes, got hooked, and ended up watching the rest of the movie.
Her verdict: “Well, that was a pick-me-up.”
True, a sunny Meg Ryan romantic comedy it’s not. But astonishing violence, plus depressing images of a world gone to the crapper… what’s not to like? (Seriously, I liked it a lot. That may say more about me than it does about the movie.)
Sunday, I was volunteering in our church’s Adventureland children’s program, so I definitely had to tamp down the anti-social tendencies to get by. You can’t just start screaming at the children when they get out of line. Not at church, anyway. At home, that’s another story. Berate away, I say. But at church they expect you to be energetic, happy, gentle, and of good cheer. Which is fine, because I can totally fake that.
I can also fake like I know what I’m talking about when I’m asked to write a week-long series of daily meditations for the church. Our regular meditation writer (a pastor who also happens to be Adri’s grandmother, so this over-long post can finally come full-circle) is on sabbatical, so I agreed to help write a few weeks’ worth of the things. The first batch was handed out and posted today. Frankly, I think they’re kind of overwritten and adjective-heavy, but who knows? Maybe you can get something out of it. If not, keep it to yourself, because my Fragile Jackass Ego can’t take it.
Oh, yeah… One last thing, and I’ll release you from this horrific reading experience. Maya lost her first tooth!
As you can tell, the one next to it is hanging by the tiniest of threads (or whatever teeth hang by) and will no doubt go any minute now. Look at all those teeth. Given the state of the economy and the high rate of inflation, that mouth full of baby teeth is going to cost me The Tooth Fairy dearly.
Take it from me, Tooth Fairy Lady: Don’t complain too loudly about it. You’ll sound like a real jackass.
The Weekend Roundup Where Price is LOST!
Tonight I looked around and couldn’t find the Priceman. Just some dude who vaguely looked like him.
Waaaaaah, why why why why did you have to go and shave your face. I already miss the goat.
Well I guess I better get used to it, eh?
So I told the Priceman I would take this weekend’s weekend roundup but that was before he shaved his face so maybe as punishment I should make him write it. Okay seriously I just think he is much funnier than I am.
Here’s our weekend round up in Reverse.
Sunday evening…the kids went to bed way too late because we were out at Target and Kohls looking for new shoes and PJs since both kiddos had hit a growth spurt and had outgrown their stuff. So now they are tucked in bed with their new PJs and in the morning they will wear their new shoes to school. Before heading to the store, which wasn’t as bad as it could have been, we had binner. This is the kids’ favorite dinner meal, when we eat breakfast at dinner time. Daddy whipped up tasty eggs, bacon and toast. Yum!
Before dinner, Priceman ran to the grocery store and that evil store that starts with a W that sucks all my money out of my bank accounts! Maya and I stayed home and chilled while Steven was playing at his friend David’s house. I worked until 3:30 while Price and the kids left church around 11 to head home for lunch, laundry and laying around (naps that is). Steven had spent the night with his friend Lucas and Lucas’ mom dropped Steven off at church. I woke up way too early after having gone to bed way too late.
Saturday…Price, Tom and I stayed up and watched the Bucket List getting to bed around Midnight. The movie was very good though. So good that even Tom stayed awake for the whole show which is pretty much a miracle! While Priceman cleaned up Maya, I shared with Tom the new looks we were considering for our family…
Before watching our movie Maya enjoyed having the full attention of the house. She ran around, danced and played while her brother Steven was at his friend Lucas (remember). I got home around 8ish and we ate dinner. A tasty feast that Price had made called Crockpot Chicken…crazy name-tasty dish. While I was gone to work, Price and Maya had to make a trip over to Lucas’ house to drop off Steven’s DS charger which he had forgotten. Steven and I had left for church around 3:30ish making a trip to Kinkos on the way for some color copies. He hung out with me at the church until Lucas and his mom got there. Before leaving for work we had enjoyed a late lunch of PBJ after having gone swimming at the community center…good times good times. And before that, we had spent the morning cleaning the house and bathing the smelly doggie.
Friday…”We”, mainly Price while Tom and I napped, watched the pilot of a new show called Fringe from JJ Abrams. Ask Price how it was since I slept through most of it. Before watching TV, the kiddos had gotten cleaned up and ready for bed after spending the evening out at a family event hosted by the children’s and student ministries of our church. It was a lot of fun despite the rain out. Over 100 people drove through the tornado sirens to come out and enjoy games, food and fun. It was a great time. Here are some pics:
Before leaving for the family event, we debated whether or not to leave and drive considering the sirens were blaring for a tornado warning. We took a chance and it turned out just fine!
And thus concludes my lame weekend roundup in reverse but at least I gave you some photos, eh?
Forget about it…I’m going to bed!
How to get to heaven
Overheard while helping out in our church’s children’s program on Sunday…
TEACHER: We all want to go to heaven, don’t we?
ALL THE KIDDIES: Yes!
TEACHER: We can’t get there in a spaceship, though, can we?
ALL THE KIDDIES: No!
TEACHER: Well, as we have learned, there is only one way to get to heaven. What is it?
ONE LITTLE GIRL: Death!
I swear I didn’t pose her like that
I told her I wanted to take a picture of her, and she just naturally assumed this pose.
Should I be worried?
If you leave, the Weekend Roundup won’t cry, it won’t waste one single day
Hey, didja miss me last week? Because I don’t know if you noticed, but there was no Weekend Roundup last week. It was Labor Day, people! We were out of town, so even though we took a ton of photos and video, you won’t get to see any of it. Labor Day weekend is over. Stop livin’ in the past, man! Also, no one has left a comment on our blog for nearly a month, so we’re just going to assume no one’s reading it so therefore it doesn’t really matter. I mean, we put this blog together so family and friends from far and wide could keep up with the miscellaneous goings-on in our little household, and we know now that our parents never read it. For Pete’s sake, this whole thing was my wife’s idea, and not only does she never post anything, she doesn’t even read it herself. Hey, Shannon, you’re a big doo-doo head! See? I can say whatever I want, and there will be no consequences. Not a one.
Okay, on with this week’s pointless family happenings, typically little church and school events that we attend ever weekend. They’re all the same: you eat hot dogs, the kids bounce around on inflatable thingys, there’s a lot of screaming, you get repeatedly punched in the groin. (After asking around, it turns out that last part only seems to happen to me. Weird.) Oh, and Maya gets her face painted. To wit:
Has there been a weekend yet when Maya hasn’t had her face painted? Read through the archives. It happens all the time. This particular weekend, it was at her preschool’s annual carnival.
Frankly, it seems like I’m starting to repeat myself here, because I’m pretty sure I’ve written something about this before. Well, looky here. Same time of year, same carnival, same face painting… it’s like we’re stuck in one of those time loops that happened every other episode on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Am I doomed to repeat this night over and over again forever and ever amen, a la Groundhog Day, with screaming preschoolers and cake walks and butterfly face paint for all of eternity?
Nah, probably not.
There was dance associated with this year’s carnival. A couple of weeks ago I posted a video of Maya’s dance stylings. In the interest of equal time, here’s Steven shaking his groove thang.
Oh yeah, you better believe we’ll be watching that video when he brings his prom date home. Hey, I can’t make fun of the kid. At least he was trying to have fun. Me? Just like every single dance I attended when I was in junior high school, I was hanging back against the wall, watching the cool kids enjoy themselves and praying I wouldn’t get punched in the groin.
But it wasn’t all carnivals and dancing, oh no. The weekend also featured birthday parties. Two of ‘em! Steven went to one, Maya went to another. Is there anything a kid loves more than receiving an invitation to a birthday party? And is there anything that a parent fills a parent with more dread? Oh, great… let’s go buy some Pokemon crap (for boys) or some pink plastic princess-related gewgaw (for girls) and go watch little kids stuffed full of pizza and cake and ice cream laugh and shriek and crash into each other and burst into tears and beg to go home. And then let’s make a date to do it all again next year.
But then, I’m not the target audience here. The kids seem to enjoy these soirees. It’s a good thing, because we seem to attend one just about every weekend. The problem is, Maya and Steven have too many friends. They’re too popular and well liked!
For me, though, that’s never been a problem. Popular, well liked… those terms are rarely used to describe me. Why, I’ll never know. Who wouldn’t like to have a guy like me around: awkwardly trying to chat up the ladies, constantly complaining about things no one can control, perpetually moaning about my crippling depression…
Hmm. Now that I think about it, this may explain the rampant groin-punching.